i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
