a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
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