dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
