mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
