I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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