Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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