I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
