in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Couch. On fire.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
