she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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