you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Text me some of your sweat
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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