textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
