i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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