How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
