Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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