I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize