Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
