I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
