Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Randomize
