the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
