I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
