Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
