dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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