Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
