apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
