Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
