The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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