you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
