OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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