God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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