I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
