Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
