Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
