just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
