dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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