Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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