I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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