I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
