I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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