I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
