Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
