Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Randomize
