apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize