Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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