I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
