if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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