You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
