Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
