If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
