you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize