I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You are a genius and a whore.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
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