you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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