oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
