this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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