Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize