can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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