She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
