I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
