Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
