I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Randomize
