you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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