I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
